The most permanent and beautiful thing in life IS CHANGE

cznewlands
Jan 12, 2015
2 min read

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. - Anatole France

I remember before I went into rehab for my love affair turned bad divorce, with wine...It was obvious I had a problem, it was a fact I tried to control it to no avail and it was my belief that life would NEVER be the SAME without it, not as good or bearable without it. Life is not the same...that was true...but I needed that wine, I mean doesn't everyone in Europe drink?? You mean I was supposed to face everything head on...no buffer, no filter, no "I'll handle that problem tomorrow, or the next day or the next day?? I pictured me, on a date, in a romantic restaurant, with a goblet of water in front of me and thought "What's the point of dinner out?" I knew I could never go on a vacation and just have fun, relax and unwind sober...after all I thought "It's only wine"...Who was this person, Carol, going to be without it?? I don't want to feel all the feelings that are going to fill my head when everything becomes crystal clear and deal with them...the ones I drowned out in a sea of cabernet...sadness, loss, feelings of unworthiness, being on the down side of my life, a job I grew to despise...I mean how??? After all it WAS only wine...2 trips to the Estill didn't believe I couldn't control this...I was so strong I thought...I ran business' I raised 2 boys, I threw parties for 100 people at a clip, I exercised everyday...the fact that all turned into ash didn't matter...I didn't want to go back and revisit the why's...why I waited so long for that divorce, why I "couldn't leave the job that was killing my body and spirit"...change...that word...why could I change an outfit or my hair color and that change made me feel great, gave me a lift, but change the real me??even the one that was falling apart...the one that was slowly killing herself...that kind of change??? I did.........I really did............I died the day my new life started..........I died and this new me...well she remembers the past...she surrendered to it, embraced it and occassionaly she still looks at mental "snap shots" of "her" ...I remember her...but what I remember the most was that she was willing to do the work...whatever it was to come back to life on life’s terms.....yep she died ...her memory lingers...now the good stuff about her seems to outweigh the stuff she hated about herself...and that's the part she learned to love the most...the girl she was, I mean really was...her free loving spirit, her empathy, the good fight in her...well that girl was worth saving............because now she knows that the most permanent and beautiful thing in life IS CHANGE..........